Hey everyone!! It has been a year and a half since I last posted here. Ridiculous, I know. I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the planet with Pink Wonderland, but here's the good news: I have a brand new blog and I'm sticking with it! If you're curious what happened, I have a bit of explanation in my very first blog post on Kels Shark. I'm really excited about my new blog and hope you'll follow me over there. I've missed you guys!
Love, Kels <3
Friday, November 16, 2012
Hey, sooo I've been absent from the blog world for the past two weeks. I've missed blogging, but even more than that, I've missed reading all of my favorite blogs. I have tons of catching up to do! Oh, and I'm breaking the cardinal rule - the one I mentioned in a post a few weeks back. Writing a post without images.
I thought it was about time for a little update and explanation for my absence. Thamires, one of my best friends, came to visit two weekends ago, and then that Sunday, I unfortunately got super sick. I actually lost my voice briefly... and I still happen to be somewhat sick, nearly two weeks later. Well, then Jacob and I broke up last Wednesday. We were together for two and a half years and we've lived together for the past year and a few months. He moved out Sunday (and took the modem with him, so I've just set up my internet again today). So while I care about my blog and all of the goals I set for myself, I found it necessary to give myself a break for a while... and I'm really glad I did.
Aside from work, I've just been spending the past two weeks either curled up (or pushing through work) feeling horribly sick and trying not to throw up (it is now primarily reduced to periodic coughing fits), spending time with my amazing and supportive friends, laying in bed listening to music and/or thinking about life, reading lots, and of course doing whatever has been necessary to set my house up for living alone. Zoe, another best friend of mine, drove up from Portland to visit last weekend and was so incredibly helpful. We went shopping for a bed frame, mattress, vacuum cleaner, and all sorts of other household items that I got rid of when I first moved in with Jacob in June of last year. After a full Sunday of shopping (while Jacob and his friends moved his stuff out), she and I built my new IKEA bed frame (it has drawers for my stuffed animals! Hah) for around six hours with just a brief dinner break. By that time it was pretty late, so she ended up sleeping here for a few hours, then woke up and drove home at 4:30am (it's about a three hour drive from Seattle to Portland) to make it in time for work at 8:30am. See? I wasn't kidding about those amazing friends.
I'm not going to dive into the details, but I will say that Jacob and I have been talking about this for a little while now. Ironically, pretty soon after we moved to my new house together. Or maybe not so ironic... it just seems funny in terms of timing. We had it all planned out. We were going to live here for a long time. Get married. Have kids. Work on the house together. As it turns out, though, relationships are fragile. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found that even seemingly solid relationships can unravel far more quickly than you'd think possible. We're too different. And I won't speculate as to what exactly went through his mind, but for me, moving here made everything so real. That vision I mentioned was coming true... and I found that I wasn't ready. That we're too different, which has been true for a long time, but which we've blissfully ignored because there was so much good.
It's really, really hard to let go of someone who is such a good person. Someone who treats you far better than you could have dreamed to be possible. Someone you were so sure you were going to be with for the rest of your life. But when you know it's ultimately not right, you just have to push through it, to let go. Neither of us wanted it to get to the point where we felt totally trapped and hated each other. We're still really good friends and I think if we had waited too long and dragged it out, that might not be possible.
It's also time for me to just... learn what it's like to be me, to be on my own. To rely on myself. To work on goals I set for myself, new and old. To be the person I want to be. And while I feel like I know a lot more about myself and am more confident in some ways than I was a few years ago (before I met Jacob), I have a lot more to learn. Of course, with the right person, at the right time, in the right kind of relationship, you can definitely do that while in a relationship. But there is something to be said for knowing what you are capable of on your own. At least I hope so. I'm 25 and I feel both sure of myself and totally lost simultaneously. Everything is exciting and terrifying.
I've always known that I am different. Everyone has their own unique traits and things that differentiate them. But, to approach it simplistically, most people also fit a little better into (for lack of a better explanation) what I guess I deem the Corporate vs. Artist. I work as an accountant. I've met lots of friends at my previous job and current job, and most of them are "Corporate" types. I love that they are generally reliable and practical, good about spending and planning for the future, etc. Jacob definitely fits there, and those are some of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. Then there are the "Artists," whom I love for their creativity, incredible sense of design and appreciation for the world's beauty. They often tend to be more carefree and open to risks and adventures.
And then there's me. Somehow, I've managed to sit right in the middle. Very, very Corporate in some ways, very very Artist in others. And even beyond these extremely general classifications, it's always been that way for me. When I was applying for colleges, people would always ask me if I was going for something more "math/science" or "English/history." Well, I liked and excelled at math and English. I always did the planning and organization for our group events but I also liked to make things and loved graffiti. I know these are all small, random examples... I could go on and on. But the bottom line is that I have always felt like a paradox. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and that's always been fine with me. I prided myself on being different and I still do. But as it turns out, different gets lonely sometimes. Very, very few people have ever truly understood me and that makes me feel lonely.
Another thing I should mention is that while in some ways I'm very focused, in other ways I have an incredibly short attention span. I never stay interested in anything for very long. I like vastly different styles, sometimes changing my taste by the day. It's been so hard to decide how to decorate my house because I have all of these contrasting design ideas. I can't even pick a favorite color. Every time I go to the salon my hair turns out completely different - I often can't even decide what to do with the color scheme until I'm sitting in the chair looking in the mirror and I decide because I have to.
Jacob knows who he is, what he wants, what he's doing, and how to get there. He is in the Corporate box and that's totally awesome, because he's happy where he is, he's determined, and he's going to make it some day. It's simple, recognizable, and has a clear destination. I, on the other hand, am off building my own box. And painting it pastel rainbow with cupcakes and sweets and adding glitter and decorations. But halfway through, I'm already bored and want to make it red and black and white with a gothic trim. And my box isn't even rectangular, it's star-shaped. Oh, but maybe heart-shaped would be better. Or maybe I should shape it like a cupcake and just do a light pink/aqua color scheme. And some days I feel like this will continue into eternity, until I'm old and I'm sitting in a room all alone, and all I have is hundreds of half-finished boxes of different shapes and colors.
If that made any sense... =)
I have so much to do in the next month. Two craft fairs to prepare for. Gotta fix the leak and hole in my house (plumbing issues). Get the rest of the stuff I need for my house, like sheets and a comforter. Get through every work day and focus on accomplishing everything, regardless of all the fuzziness and thoughts rattling around in my head. Work is getting busier too. At least I feel mostly healthy again. But even so, there are days, or even parts of days where all I want to do is sleep and shut out the world for a few weeks.
But while I've gotten burnt out plenty of times over the years and taken short breaks to recover, one thing I absolutely refuse to do is to completely fold and give up. I made this choice to be on my own and now I have to stay strong and deal with the consequences. I don't know anything about houses and I'm terrified something will go wrong with my house and I'll have no idea what to do. But I'll have to figure it out. It's definitely not all bad. I have genuinely enjoyed getting out of the house more often and seeing my friends more, lately. I'm excited about the design possibilities for my house. I'm going to start running and get in shape. I have lots of plans... and I'll figure this out, figure out my new life. I finally decided what tattoo I'm getting. I could never settle on a design before... but I'm doing it. Being decisive. Zoe's helping me design it (she's a graphic designer). It's going to represent the next few months or however long it takes me to figure out my new life. Because if I can get through this, I can get through anything.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Two weeks ago, I participated in the Seattle Heart Walk, benefiting the American Heart Association. And thanks to donations and purchases made through the Help a Heart event in addition to my personal donation, we managed to raise a whopping $1,103! Can you believe it? To everyone who participated in any way, whether it was spreading the word, making a purchase/donation, or leaving your lovely notes of encouragement, I want to say thank you so, so much. I definitely would not have surpassed my goal of raising at least $1K this year without you. =)
Before I write more about the Heart Walk, I want to give some specific thanks! Everyone here put time and/or money into Help a Heart and many of the generous ladies listed have blogs (all of which I follow) or super cute shops, so be sure to check them out! THANK YOU to...
The lovely hostesses of the promotional giveaways!
*Aizzing of Icing and Write
*Cara of Marvelous Flight of Cara
*Sammy of The Cookie Button
*Jessa of Caked Vintage
*Kate of Scathingly Brilliant
*Mandy of Miss Indie
Congrats to the lucky winners!
These beautiful bloggers who posted about Help a Heart!
*Dorien of Bodacious Thought
*Julie Ann of Julie Ann Art
*Kaelah of Little Chief Honeybee
*Susie of Even Sweeter Dreams
All of the generous people who donated and/or purchased pieces from my shops!
*Pearl and Kelvin my always-supportive parents
*Peggy, Patty, Valerie, Rosa, and Mona, my generous aunts/relatives
*Teresa, one of my best friends, who is always incredibly generous with charities!
*Lisa L, Sharilyn C, and Cathy G, my coworkers
*Ashley, owner of Raen Clowds, an adorable crochet accessories shop!
*Laura M, blogger at Tutus and Tiny Hats, an inspiring and sequin-filled blog that I am now following!
*Junko, my awesome friend who just passed the NY bar exam (go Junko!!!!)
*Lauren W, blogger at Old Red Boots, a fun and colorful blog that I am now following!
*Lindsie, Jacob's fun and generous friend
... and to everyone who shared the event via e-mail, social media, etc!
Please let me know if I missed you (maybe you blogged about it and I was unaware) or if you're on the list but have a link to share (shop, blog, etc.) - I'd love to go check it out!
Now on to the actual Heart Walk. =)
This was my third year participating and it was as busy as ever. My pictures of the crowds didn't really turn out, but you can see a small piece of it here. It starts at the Seattle Center, which is the area surrounding the Space Needle. We arrived at 8:10am on Saturday morning and I actually stopped by the Space Needle first to pick up my medal and goodie bag. I had no idea when I set my goal, but apparently if you raise over $1,000 you're considered a "top walker" and get a bag of treats from the sponsors. You also get invited to breakfast at the Space Needle, which would have been cool... but I had breakfast with my friends after the walk instead!
Booths line the perimeter of the lawn area. The booths belong to the Heart Walk sponsors (including my previous and current employers) and many of them offer healthy freebies and/or helpful information.
Caught up with some friends / former coworkers! Some people brought their dogs along for the walk!
Me, Erin, Olivia, Jas (canine)
Then we went to check out the booths before the walk started. I don't like bananas, free or otherwise, but other people snatched them up!
A few booths had silly heart-themed games.
Stopped by to take a picture at my employer's booth.
They had a band play... yup, that's Seahawks gear they're wearing. I'm sure they're related somehow... maybe the team's band? (I know nothing about football.)
And then the walk began a little after 9am! It was a three mile walk - pretty chilly and windy out, but it wasn't raining. That's always a good thing in my mind. Firefighters created an archway for us to walk through.
I stopped to take pictures of cool things along the walk route.
And that was it! Shortly after the walk ended, one of the current team co-captains for my department at work informed us that she was stepping down next year and asked if anyone wanted to take her place. We do events at work to raise money that gets donated to the general fund for our department's team. For example, we had a soup and salad (and dessert) luncheon - various people made and donated dishes (I made a vegetarian vegetable & orzo soup) and then everyone paid $7 to participate. I love that my work encourages charitable events - I also donate to United Way of King County (a local charity) through a payroll deduction each paycheck set up through the company, which makes it really easy and hassle-free!
Anyway, I digress. So... I signed up to be co-captain for next year. It will take some effort but I think it's worthwhile. I actually thought of Help a Heart fairly last minute this year and it ended up being incredibly stressful - I wouldn't change a thing except that I would start earlier! I loved the result, but it did contribute to my recent burnout. So next year I'll start way earlier and hopefully make this event even more epic and appealing to everyone!
Thanks again to my lovely readers and participants!